The Best for the Littlest

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This article is a follow-up one of our MOST POPULAR articles: Untangled Toilet Learning, originally posted June 2019.
 

As a former classroom teacher, this was a true motto - “the best for the littlest”; which is now relevant in my home life with two young children of my own. The BIG question, how can we make our environment, their environment “even better”!? I like to review this question when big changes are on the horizon-maybe it’s a big change like a new school, a new skills set is being developed, a new routine needs to be implemented or tweaked, or even one of kiddos has outgrown something within the space. In this particular article, I want to focus on “Toilet Learning” by empowering children, present some logical situations to ponder, and some ways to recognize progress. I want to emphasize that readiness is NOT based on age, instead on skills and abilities.

 

How!? Language, Actions, and Expectations

When the child is a Newborn, we can provide our children with consistent language. When I think about some of my first interactions with my newborns, I immediately think about eating, sleeping, and diaper changes; I mean, how could you not!? While NOT all of my interactions in these departments were flawless ( there were plenty of tears along the way), what rings true is my use of consistent language and the clear benefits for even children that are “very new.” You might sing the same song each day at wakeup or nap time or even bedtime. When I think back to feeding, I would say phrases such as: “milk is here” when I was breastfeeding and “two hands help” and “tip it up” for bottle feeding. These phrases paired with actions, made situations and experiences predictable.

 

When the child is an Infant, we can provide them with consistent actions; the foundation for understanding the concept of cause and effect. It’s the idea of equating cause and affect in specific situations that occur regularly. This begins to create a sense of familiarity for what will likely happen in repetitive situations. This consistency creates predictability and this predictability becomes part of the routine and creates a level of comfort. 

Here are some examples:

• “When you scream, it makes me think that you are hurt, are you hurt?”

• “When you rub your eyes, it makes me think that you are tired. It’s almost time for a rest.” 

In this “in between phase”, between 18-24 months THIS is the “sweet spot” for introducing routines and expectations; especially those related to Toileting. For our daughter, we introduced the little toilet (child-sized potty) at 13 months, but for our son, we skipped the little toilet (in the house) and went straight for the “big toilet” right around 24 months. Approximately 6 months after introducing the routines, both of them were becoming proficient in using the toilet and the related routines. Why the age difference? Readiness, ability to cooperate, and ability to listen. Every child is on their own trajectory and recognizing their individual skills and abilities, helps to determine their readiness.

 

When the child is a Toddler, we can provide consistent expectations; including sentence stems, such as: “when you…we…”, “First…then…”, and “You will be ready to…after you…”

Here are some specific examples:

• “When you finish eating breakfast, we can clean up.”

• “When you put the dinosaurs away, we can play with the toy kitchen.”

• “First, put on your socks, then, your shoes.”

• “First, I’ll put on your sunscreen, then, you can put on your mask.”

• “You will be ready to each breakfast, after you get dressed.”

• “You will be ready to leave the house, after you put on your shoes.”

 

Discussing Consequences: Natural vs. Logical 

The concepts of natural and logical consequences should also be discussed and explored further, as they are both part of the equation. Let’s further define these types of consequences. Our children’s safety and wellness are #1 priorities, so, when natural or logical consequences are involved, we MUST evaluate safety and wellness ahead of all else. A natural consequence is something undesirable that occurs naturally, without anyone else intervening. An example of this is when a child is drinking from a cup, but only holding it with one hand and it drops and spills. Another example would be when the child leaves toys out and one becomes broken because someone stepped on it by mistake. And, a final example, while on a walk, the child decides to jump in a water puddle and soaks their pants. The child could have walked around the puddle or walked through the puddle carefully, but by jumping their pants became wet. A logical consequence is a decision and action that an adult applies to a situation, based upon the situation that presents itself. The logical consequence is directly related to the situation that has occurred and the result is not delayed.

 

Let’s explore the examples from above, but applying the logical consequence component.

• A child is drinking from a cup, but only holding it with one hand and it drops and spills, now the child must help clean up the spill (logical consequence).

• When the child leaves toys out and one becomes broken because someone stepped on it by mistake, now the child may no longer play with this toy (logical consequence).

• While on a walk, the child jumped into a water puddle and soaked their pants, so now the child must continue to wear these pants until we arrive back home to change (logical consequence).

A punishment is different from these types of consequences. The consequences for actions are always directly related or easily connected to the situation that presents itself, do not create harm or put anyone in danger, and the consequence matches “in size” to the concern that was observed/experienced. By ensuring this connectivity, adults help children to understand the direct connections between their actions and potential outcomes and related challenges. These moments can serve as “touchstones” in future situations, where the same or similar scenarios re-present themselves. Often times, I reference these previous situations to draw attention to the behavior or action that will need to change to encourage a different (and likely more favorable) outcome.

Let’s explore this approach with the examples previously shared:

• Drinking from a cup example- Yesterday, when you held your cup with one hand, it spilled. How many hands should you use to prevent the water from spilling? OR Show me how you use two hands to drink from the cup. OR Use two hands.

• Leaving toys out example- The other day, you forgot to put your toys away and one was stepped on and broken. Let’s put the toys away together, what should we put away first? OR Should we put away the blocks or the dolls first? 

• Water puddle example- This morning, you jumped in a water puddle and felt sad when your pants got wet. When we go on a walk now, what could you do, so your pants don’t get wet? OR We have 2 choices: we can walk around the puddles or we can walk through them carefully, what will you choose (or do)?

   

Now, let’s use these techniques and apply them to Toilet Learning!

Toilet Learning Inspiration

• 5 Ways to Empower Kiddos

• 5 Logistical Situations

• 5 Ways Recognize Progress

 

Empower Kiddos

When children are given power, it means, the situation involves them on a different level. By speaking to children’s interests, we draw them in, this is “buy-in”, and by bringing positive attention to the wise decisions they make, it encourages future compliance!

 

5 simple ways to empower your kids today!

• How many minutes?

• Help with “bottoms”

• Help components of the bathroom routine

• Choice of soap for hand washing 

• Who will turn the water on?

 

1. How many minutes?

In preparation for a transition, you may consider stating: “it’s almost time to clean up the toys, how many more minutes should we play, two or three minutes?” The child responds and you reply and confirm. “OK, I will set a timer, then it will be time to clean up the toys.”

 

2.Help with “bottoms”

In preparation for independent bathroom use, I like to offer “the last wipe”; which means that after the child uses the bathroom, the adult does the wiping, and once the child is clean, they are able to do the last wipe independently. While this last wipe is not necessary, it provides the child with practical experience and prepares them in a controlled environment.

 

3.Help with components of the bathroom routine: toilet paper, redressing, and or flushing

Modeling the expectations are helpful and when modeling is not possible, verbally sharing your own actions, as related to the child is also helpful; also known as broadcasting or sport casting.

Here are some example statements:

• “This is how much toilet paper we use”

• “This is how you fold the toilet paper”

• “Stand up to pull up your underwear”, “Two hands help”

• “Now you are ready to pull up your pants”

• “Time to flush, let’s press (pull, etc.) the handle” 

The more opportunities that a child has to practice these steps, they develop proficiency for these situations and over time, require less help.

 

4.Choice of soap for hand washing 

Have you ever had an experience where your child refused to wash their hands? What if, the choice regarding washing hands was not whether they wash their hands or not, but what type of soap they used!? By making a second type of soap available, a different color or a different scent, you add an element of excitement that serves as a point of interest. Which color will you use, green or purple? I also love asking follow-up questions to make this simple task “an experience.” How many bubbles can you make? What do your hands smell like now? And, often times, we sing a song, while we wash our hands!

 

5.Who will turn the water on?

Some children like to control the sounds that occur around them, as to reduce element(s) of surprise. Teaching the child how to turn on the water in the bathroom sink, is an opportunity! Usually, I phrase this question as, “is it your turn to turn the water on or my turn?”

 

The Logistics

Through the process of discussing and determining the logistics, you can be proactive and encourage more desirable behavior. By identifying, sharing, and reviewing the expectations, you set the standard! Even if you infuse the process and expectations with choice, you still hold “the ultimate power.”

 

5 Logistical Situations

• Morning wakeup 

• Pre and post nap time 

• Bedtime routine and overnights

• Travel: road trips and flights

• Water play and pool time

 

1.How will you handle morning/daytime wakeup?

My favorite is to encourage the child to use the bathroom, as soon as they get out of bed, prior to doing anything else. It is important to identify what the routine is in your home, along with what is and is not negotiable.

 

2.How will you handle pre and post nap time?

Most children that are able to use the bathroom and stay dry during waking hours during the day are not able to remain dry overnight and may have difficulty remaining dry during mid day naps. It is possible to have a child wear a diaper or “pull-up” during a designated naptime. In my experience, if a child uses the bathroom before and after the nap, the likelihood of having an accident during nap would be low.

 

3.How will you handle the bedtime routine and overnights?

We discuss the last bathroom trip of the day, then, the child gets their diaper or “pull-up” and their pajamas in preparation for bedtime. Most children will not wake up in the night to use the bathroom, but some may, so be mindful of this potential scenario. It is also possible that children who are four, five, or even six may continue to sleep so hard at night that some sort of bed protector may be needed in the event of an overnight toileting accident.

 

4.How will you handle travel, such as road trips and flights?

Recognizing the frequency of bathroom use is important. If the child is used to using the bathroom every 60, 90, or 120-minutes; this will likely remain true even in the event of travel. Similar to pre-and post naptime routines, have the child use the bathroom before travel begins, be mindful of time, and provide proper opportunities for the child to maintain their usual schedule. It is also possible to travel with a few extra things: lined blue absorbable “pet pads” to “protect the seat” and a little toilet/child-sized potty that is perfect for quick use at rest stops.

 

5.How will you handle water play and or pool time?

To maintain consistency, just as a child would use the bathroom before naptime, before leaving the house; the child will also use the bathroom before doing any water play. Public pools usually require “water diapers” for children that are not fully toilet-trained.

 

Recognizing Progress with the Process

Recognition along the way is critical because there are so many components to the process. Sometimes, we, as adults feel like progress is not being made fast enough because the end goal has not yet been mastered, however, progress is incremental and success should be recognized, as it builds the child’s confidence and likeliness of achieving additional success.

 

5 Ways Recognize Progress

• “You sat down on the toilet and tried.”

• “I saw the way that you…”

• “I can tell that you’ve been practicing how to…”

• “You are learning to listen to your body…”

• “You remembered what to do next…”

it is important to note that for many children, successful bowel movements (BM) in the toilet are mastered second and when a child withholds using the toilet for BM’s, it’s usually a “power” related issue and the child trying to assert “control” over the situation. Does the child have a “typical” time to usually have a BM? We actually allow screen time on a small device (parent supervised and not held by the child) for up to 20 minutes, if needed. This allows their body time to relax on the potty and take care of their business. And, in these transitionary times, a small travel-sized/child-sized potty is also super helpful.

EVERYTHING is a process, there’s no denying this simple truth. We cannot rush this process or any other process, as there are many skills that need to be developed in order to achieve the process and success that we seek. During this time, it’s especially important that we do our best to “choose our battles wisely,” rather than allow ALLL things to become power struggles. So, instead, we focus on the POSITIVE and along the way, we recognize the foundation we are creating by verbalizing the process that we observe. We take this moments and celebrate the successes, those “big” and “small”, and we remember that we are on this journey together!


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