Calm the Storm
Problem Solving Mode
Change can be a rocky road, we all know that! How we navigate this rocky road can determine how long the rocky road will last. Know, there is light at the end of the tunnel, if you choose to see it! When change happens, how do you respond to it? Do you ask “what”-based questions? Or, do you launch into a different sort of mode? Sometimes, our responses to these challenges determine the outcomes. Other times, the choices that we provide are the determining factor. So, when challenges present themselves, do you launch into chaos mode or problem-solving mode? If we, as adults can reframe our thinking and launch into problem-solving mode, then we can reduce and work to eliminate the chaos mode that has a way of sneaking up on all of us.
We all know what chaos-mode looks like, so, what does problem-solving mode look like!? Let’s explore!
Level Up with Problem-Solving Mode
A problem occurs or an outburst starts to happen.
1. Acknowledge
2. Share observations
3. Pose a “what” questions
4. Brainstorm
5. Offer 2 feasible options, as choices
6. Provide positive feedback re: the choice that was made
7. Reflect on the process that was followed
Here’s an example:
Two children are fighting over a specific toy.
1. Acknowledge - I heard some shouting.
2. Share observations - It sounds like you both want to play with this toy.
3. Pose a “what” questions - what can we do to make sure that you both get a turn?
4. Brainstorm - how many minutes should each turn be? When will the other child know that your turn is over and it is their turn?
5. Offer 2 feasible options, as choices - would you like your turn to be one minute or two minutes? What toy will you play with when you are waiting for a turn?
6. Provide positive feedback re: the choice that was made - two minutes, great choice! It sounds like you are going to play with this toy while you wait for your turn with that toy, great idea!
7. Reflect on the process that was followed - doesn’t it feel great to be able to solve a problem and make sure that everyone gets what they want?
Here’s another example:
Your child refuses to eat breakfast and lunch, but insists upon eating large snacks, instead.
1. Acknowledge - it sounds like you’re feeling hungry right now. Are you feeling hungry?
2. Share observations - I noticed that you did not eat breakfast and you did not eat lunch.
3. Pose a “what” questions - What should we do now that you’re so hungry?
4. Brainstorm - We can have a small snack together now and discuss dinner options. We can talk about your favorite breakfast and lunch foods and add them to the grocery list.
5. Offer 2 feasible options, as choices -: For a small snack now, would you like this or that (name the exact options)? I want to make sure that you have a great dinner tonight, should I make this or that (name the exact options)?
6. Provide positive feedback re: the choice that was made - I’m so glad that we were able to talk about the foods that you enjoy, so that we can work together to make more of these options available.
7. Reflect on the process that was followed - When I am preparing to make breakfast tomorrow, I would love your help with selecting some of the items from the kitchen.
Here’s a final example:
Your child refuses to turn off or put down their electronic device and do anything else.
1. Acknowledge - I can tell that you are really enjoying using your device (name the electronic).
2. Share observations - Often, it is difficult to have a conversation with you, while you are watching your device.
3. Pose a “what” questions - What should we do?
4. Brainstorm - Should we leave our devices in a specific place during mealtime?
5. Offer 2 feasible options, as choices - You could place the device on the charger or on the kitchen counter
6. Provide positive feedback re: the choice that was made - I enjoy spending time with you and being able to share about our day.
7. Reflect on the process that was followed- I appreciate your flexibility and love that you are still able to use your device and that you participated in the problem solving process.
Make Things Possible
Establishing boundaries, logical consequences, implementing choices, and presenting coping techniques will be the overarching roadmap to guide you and the kiddos in your life.
1.Establish boundaries
Schedule
Appropriate behavior, language
General rules and expectations
2. Logical consequences: When/if you do this, then…
If you get up from the dinner table to play with toys, then your dinner time is over.
If you throw a truck at your sister, then, you will not be able to play with the truck for the rest of the night.
Your dress is a bit short today, you can put on leggings and wear the dress or choose a different dress for today.
3.Implement choices
For after school snack today, should I bring apples and chips or dried mango and cashews?
This week, we will order carryout one day, which day should we order: Monday or Friday?
Your friend wants to get together after school or this weekend. We can do Wednesday afternoon or Sunday morning; which do you prefer?
4.Present coping techniques
When you feel frustrated…you can take a deep breath, walk away, or use your words.
If you throw toys, then you will not be able to play with them (for the rest of the day/another time frame)
Encourage problem solving (When you feel -specify an emotion- what can you do?)
**Reach out to discuss some practical ideas for your home!**
Spotlight “The Good”
Have you ever heard the phrase “catch them being good“!? I like to call these moments “listening moments” AND, these moments are more powerful than we realize.
When we feel like there’s a lot of negativity in our space or our life or home, sometimes it’s difficult to notice what’s “going right” what is “going well.” In these critical times, that is when we have to make a purposeful shift to focus our attention on desirable moments. You see, when you give more attention to listening and respectful moments, you encourage more of this same goodness. Then, in times when you feel the child Has crossed the line and you must correct them, the correction doesn’t feel so terrible for all parties involved. Furthermore, when the correction or redirection is made in a matter of fact way, when possible, it’s actually MORE powerful than yelling or some other type of “punishment.” Why? Because you build trust and respect with the child and save corrections, redirections, and responses of “no” for times when there’s a health or safety issue or when fulfilling the request is actually not possible.
The next time change and chaos strike, what will you say!? “What are two ways that we can solve this problem?” Would you post the problem and your solution on Facebook (@homedayhero) or Instagram (Stacey.homedayhero) and tag us!? We’d love to hear from as many of you as possible!