Pulling Heartstrings
Dealing with Change
It’s the first day, you are TRYING with allll of your might to keep it together; trying to be on time, trying to look put together, trying not to cry, and show your kiddos your most confident side (that you can muster after a broken nights’ sleep of less than 6 hours, ahem, and no coffee yet). The first childs’ school drop off: you hold your breath and it goes well, no tears all around for your first. Then, the (partially dreaded) 2nd school drop off, you know the one...you fear the child won’t need to pried-off-of-you-kind!? Ya feel me, keep reading, even if you’re not feeling like a hero for your kiddos in this moment.
All the Feels
“Mom-Guilt”...or some variation there-of. You know the questions, the ones that create TONS of self-doubt. Am I doing “the right thing”? Is childcare a good idea? Is the school we chose the “right fit”? What if my child doesn’t like the new space? He’s crying and drop off, he’s crying at pick-up, he must be crying ALL day, I’m a terrible mother. You’re jumping to all of the conclusions without any of the facts. HOLD THE LINE. We all, yes, pretty much EVERYONE need time to adjust. It’s pretty much human nature, we get used to or caught up in a routine and it feels comfortable and familiar; then, something changes and the new situation(s) are NONE of those things...YET! Time, it’s what we all need. Some changes take 2-4 weeks to set, while others take 50 tries and 6 months later, you just find your footing. Know yourself, know your child, and know this is likely another passing phase.
In the thick of it!? Here’s the thing, it’s not you, but is also NOT, NOT you, get what I mean? The challenge you feel, the challenge you see, is likely NORMAL, but who says that!? It’s true. Developmentally, you’re attached to the child and the child has grown an attachment to you, so for separation-related symptoms, tendencies, and behaviors to be present and exhibited is...well, to be expected. So, what can you control, so we can reclaim some “Hero” status around here!?
Attachment and Separation Anxiety
You see, my 20-pound left hip appendage is navigating a new environment and building familiarity takes time and I’m re-learning to navigate the world using two (free) hands at the same time. In order for him to “settle in”, he needs to find a way to connect to the materials or activities in the space, the teachers, and or the other children. As a teacher, I KNOW THIS, in my heart of hearts, BUT it doesn’t take away the tugs I feel on my heartstrings. I rest assured knowing that he’s in a good environment with beautiful activities and caring teachers that help and guide him throughout his day. Identify what components of the environment or the situation that provide you with this comfort?
Help the Child Settle In: Five Ways to Support Consistency at Home
Focus on what’s the same
Discuss what’s different
Focus on the positive
Highlight moments of flexibility
Recognize desired behaviors and share real emotions
1.Focus on What’s the Same
By making a concerted effort to focus on the components that are the same, you are creating connections in the child’s mind that will help establish a level of comfort. By drawing attention to these components, you reassure the child through actual components or routines the child can see or feel, even if the child is not yet verbal, by showing or pointing out the components that are the same, you can make a difference in the child’s experience. Children CRAVE order and many adults also function better when there is order to their day; which makes the days and weeks more predictable (ahem, comfortable).
2.Discuss What’s Different
It is easy to focus on the things that are different and create an unbalanced perspective. Be careful of this scenario by trying to draw attention to one thing that is the same for each thing that is different, at a minimum. Also, it’s all in your wording about the things that are different. Take notice of the ways that you discuss the things that are different and present them not by creating a negative attention towards them, but through drawing attention to the components without any negative inflection or judgment.
Here’s an example: I noticed that this year your class has music on Thursday’s. Are you glad that your class has music this year?
3.Focus on the Positive
Be sure to draw attention to goodness. We all know that whatever is “good “is relative, but definitely draw attention to progress, situations that were favorable, routines that were met, and times where you saw compliance, kindness, helpfulness, and or awareness. The goal is to encourage more “goodness” by recognizing the “goodness” that already exists.
Here’s an example: Was it nice to see your two friends at lunchtime this week? (knowing that your child’s two closest friends are not in the same classroom this year).
4.Highlight Moments of Flexibility
It is true, for most people it is hard to be flexible. To be flexible means that we do not always get our way in the exact form or situation or manner that we anticipated in our minds. This is a challenging concept for some adults and most children to grasp and accept. To take in this kind of mindset and incorporate it into one’s life, one must have experience with real-life situations and practical examples that create these kinds of experiences. These experiences produce memories and these memories allow for developing a foundation. By providing real-life examples that are relatable for the child, we create an understanding of how a big concept can be applied in a simple way. We all know, the world is a busy and complex place, however, by distilling real life examples, you provide children with an opportunity to better understand situations that surround themselves, your family life, your home or even their school experience. When children can connect to other children, adults, and mentors or teachers; they begin to develop relationships where they build trust and open lines of communication.
Here’s an example: I was really hoping to pick up pizza from our favorite place tonight, but when I arrived, they were closed for the day. I had to be flexible and get pizza from somewhere else, (It wasn’t easy or convenient to be flexible because I had to park the car twice and I wasted some time) but we have pizza for dinner tonight and I’m happy about that and I’m glad to share with you!
Here’s another example: We all woke up a little bit late today and I need your help to get ready for the day. Tell me some of the things that you know that you can do for yourself, so that I can get ready to leave the house, as well.
5.Recognize Desired Behavior and Share Real Emotions
There is great value and not only recognizing desired behavior, but sharing real emotion, as it relates. Children will find more meaning in their experiences when they recognize their emotions and can process their experiences in such a way that makes them feel they are not alone and what they are feeling and experiencing. Allowing children to really feel how they feel and know that they can talk to you, a trusted adult, can help them work through their emotions in a better way.
Here are 3 examples:
Sentence Stem: I felt happy when...I felt this way because...
Example: I felt happy when you helped yourself get dressed this morning. I felt this way because you were so helpful in getting yourself ready for school.
Sentence Stem: I felt upset (or surprised) when...I felt this way because...
Example: I felt upset when you were unkind. I felt this way because I expected you to choose kind words.
Sentence Stem: I felt better when...because...
Example: I felt better when you said excuse me because you were aware of my body.
It seems like a lot of work, but it’s worth it and you’ll thank yourself later, promise! Also, I know that it’s not possible to implement all of these ideas at the same time and that’s OK. Create your list of intentions and determine the priorities. What does your life need right now? The way you answer this question today will likely be different from the way you answer this question one month from now. Reevaluate.
5 Ways to Help Yourself Get Focused
Stick to your routines
Create your “to do” list and identify your priorities
Review the week and re-write the daily schedule
Find joy
Give yourself a BREAK!
1.Stick to Your Routines
When your world seems or feels like its’ in chaos, don’t you feel “off track”? One of the best ways to get yourself “back on track” is to do your best to resume your routines, as best as possible. Just because you may have a child that’s going through something, doesn’t mean that every part of your entire day needs to feel the impact. I know it’s hard to feel what you’re feeling and isolate it in an effort to protect the other components of your life. It could be best to identify the parts of your day with routines you can maintain, despite the current situation.
2.Create Your “To Do” List and Identify Your Priorities
Sometimes, it seems like those to do lists are NEVER ENDING! What if you created the list and attempted to complete 3 items? 4? 5? Make your day feel more compartmentalized, less cumbersome, and more controlled.
3.Review the Week and Re-write the Daily Schedule
When it feels like EVERYTHING is affected by one aspect of your life, review the weeks’ schedule and identify how the requirements of the week can be tackled, so they’re manageable. Your mind may be distracted at times, but determine how your schedule is or is not impacted by the current challenges with the kiddos.
4.Find Joy
In a world where adulting is hard and there’s more than plenty to do, ask yourself, what brings you joy? For some, this is an easy question to answer and for others, not so much. Try and identify 3-5 things and figure out ways to include these components into your life in an effort to ease the burden of the more stressful components. You’ll be surprised by the difference a little tweak can make on your daily living and your interactions with your kiddos!
5.Give Yourself a Break
At the end of the day, take a deep breath, rest easy, if you can, even if only for a handful of broken hours. Take what you can get, you’ll be ok and on better ground soon. Have patience for the process, even if the process is challenging, even if the process is trying, and even if your child is unsettled. Continue to show your best face and know, in time, all will settle. You got this!
When life shifts, the only way to steer the ship is to grab the wheel and get your sea legs, cause the boat is moving, it’s rocking along and you can either guide the ship, let the water lead the way, or allow the boat to be taken by the sails, as is and direct you to wherever it chooses. REMEMBER, you have power AND you CAN make a difference and have an impact. I like to look at these kinds of situations like taking on a “new job” and identifying what my responsibilities will be in this NEW ROLE! Now, it’s quite possible that many of your responsibilities haven’t changed, but now you have TWO free hands to accomplish them faster OR maybe your responsibilities have changed and your adding some new components to your plate. EMBRACE the changes.
Want help navigating life with kiddos!? Let me show you how to incorporate Montessori into your home. Contact Stacey for consultation packages: info@homedayhero.com