Reshape Your Struggle
THE REALITY: Outbursts are reality and they are going to happen, no matter what. It’s how you respond that determines how the outburst(s) play out. To be a Hero on your Home Days, I bet you’d love to decrease the number of outbursts AND decrease the duration of them, too, don’t we all!?
THE SECRET: What you say matters, but HOW you say it makes a huge difference. Infusing situations with CONSISTENT LANGUAGE, so that the child becomes familiar with likely responses in similar situations. You need support of (at least some of) the other adults in your child’s life to help create and implement parameters. This framework will help shape the child’s behavior, responses, and interactions. You see, situations may occur and make you feel like you’re off track, but getting yourself back to a place that feels more stable and comfortable might not be that far out of reach.
TRUTHS: As a hero in your child’s life, you have the potential to build (and even improve) your relationship with your child. It’s NOT about being “tough” or being a “push over”, it’s about picking your “battles” wisely and using 3 steps.
Get to the root of the behavior
Distill a response
Redirect the behavior and reinforce
FACT: Every technique will NOT work in every space or even in every family. You won’t know, unless you try!
1.Get to the Root of the Behavior
Create a grid
Across the top (from left to right): Time(s) of day//The recurring situation(s) or expectation(s) that are difficult//The behaviors you’d like to change//Why the child is displaying a particular behavior
Identify the approaches that are the most applicable in your home, as these ideas will lead to possible solutions.
You CANNOT implement everything at once, BUT could you commit to one modification (at a time) if you knew the outcome(s) could be beneficial?
WANT TO SEE THE GRID THAT I CREATED!? Hop over to my Facebook Business Page
Wake Up Scenario: It’s time to get ready for the day//Child climbs into my bed and refuses to get out//She wants attention and has a desire to snuggle.
Breakfast Scenario: It’s time to eat breakfast//Child refuses to eat//Child attempts to exert power over the situation
School Pickup Scenario: It’s time to use the bathroom//Child can’t decide which stall to use (wastes time)//Child attempts to exert power over the situation
Arrival Home Scenario: It’s time to settle up belongings//Child tosses belongings in a pile on the floor//lack of expectation for routine
Bedtime Prep Scenario: It’s time to wash hands and brush teeth//Chid refuses to cooperate//Child lengthens process to spend more time together in the evenings
How would you reshape these struggles? Whatever you choose to implement needs to be repetitive and maintained for a period of time to establish a NEW HABIT. Humans, creatures of habit.
2. Responses Distilled
A. Wake Up Scenario- “I can tell that you really enjoy snuggling in my bed. I love to snuggle with you. During the week, our mornings are busy and there isn’t time to snuggle (and my clothes are already on), BUT I’d love to snuggle on the weekends! Let’s plan to snuggle on our “home days”, Saturday and Sunday.”
OUTCOME: On the weekends for about 45 minutes, she watches one or two shows and we snuggle on Saturday and Sunday.
B. Breakfast Scenario- “I know that you are a wonderful helper. Tonight (yes, TONIGHT), I need help pre-packing some breakfast options. I need help taking scoops of these two cereals into these containers, so that your breakfast is ready for you in the morning.”
OUTCOME: She had 5 small containers and a 1/4 cup measuring cup and she decided how many to pack with each of the two different types of cereals. She also enjoys fruit and protein bars, so we selected a few that were on sale. Now, in the mornings, she can decide for herself if she would like cereal or a fruit/protein bar AND she can get it for herself.
C. School Pickup Scenario- “Before we leave school, you must use the bathroom. Which stall would you like to use? (I TAKE A FEW DEEP BREATHS, SILENTLY) I can see that it’s difficult to choose today. Would you like me to choose? (She says she can do it) Great! Show me which stall you will use and I’ll wait right here, in case you need help.”
OUTCOME: Instead of waiting in the hallway just outside the bathroom (main door to the bathroom is always propped open), I moved my body to be positioned just inside the bathroom. Providing a different proximity as an option helped her to feel like she had more of my attention and I was better able to provide help, if needed.
D. Arrival Home Scenario- “I found this great (old bathroom mat) rug and I’d love to set in right inside the door for you and your shoes. I also found this large boot box that would be perfect for your shoes. I need help putting these in place. Which one should we do first? Great! Hold this for a moment, I’m going to put this hook on the wall, so you have a spot to hang your coat.”
OUTCOME: Now, she has a specific spot to sit to take her shoes off, a place to store them, and a set place for her coat.
E. Bedtime Prep Scenario- “After dinner, it will be time to get ready for bed. You will need to use the bathroom, wash your hands, brush your teeth, and put on your pajamas. I want to have enough time for 3 stories and 3 songs. Show me that your listening ears are on tonight.”
OUTCOME: If she completes her tasks, then we have approximately 30 minutes for stories and songs, and some EXTRA snuggle time! On the nights that she displays challenges with parts of her routine, she loses one story at a time, then one song at a time. Some nights, no stories! Some nights, no stories AND few to no songs, while, other night ALLLL the stories and ALLLL the songs. On those glorious nights, I’m sure to share my observations and provide some positive reinforcement. “You really had your listening ears on tonight. I loved the extra time we had together tonight. Spending time with you, makes me feel happy.”
3. Re-Direct and Reinforce
Remember, we...
It’s time to...
Show me how you...
I like when you...
Hold Your Ground: Toss your “because I said so’s” and replace it with…
“This is what is possible right now”
”This is what is best for you”
“This is what is best for your body”
“This is safer for you”
“You can have this (name item) or that (name item)”
“You can have this now or not at all, your choice”
“You can have this later or not at all, your choice”
MOVING FORWARD: HOW WILL YOU RESHAPE YOUR STRUGGLE?
Power. As the adult, you hold THE POWER, but what power could you release to your child and feel comfortable? If you provide the child with two reasonable (“good”) and accessible options, then, whatever choice they make is acceptable. This is the ULTIMATE SECRET POWER. The child feels empowered and takes ownership of the choice, BUT within your vision.
If you’re interested in customizing some of the approaches presented on this blog, contact me for 1:1 coaching opportunities. I love connecting with others, hearing your stories, and empowering parents at home! Be sure to request my FREE guide on Empowering Kids at Home. Join me at www.homedayhero.com