Power in Choice
ESTABLISH EXPECTATIONS, SHAPE THE EXPERIENCE:
After pickup from school, we usually discuss what dinner will be in the car, prior to arriving home. I provide two options (that I approve of and are physically readily available). Do you want broccoli or carrot slices? Do you want apple slices or strawberries? Do you want pasta with butter or cheese? After eating dinner, the same routine is followed to pack lunch for school. LEVEL ACHIEVED
It’s true, after the birth of a second child, we allow our daughter, 3, to watch one show (usually about 24 minutes) before dinner, while dinner is prepped, then, the TV is off! She knows the limit and the routine. There’s no room to negotiate on this one. Then, the dinner previously discussed is offered: usually, a protein, carb, fruit, and vegetable. LEVEL ACHIEVED
STUCK IN A RUT?
Is your child hooked on Mac and Cheese!? That’s ok, AMP up that Mac and Cheese! Consider trying different types of pasta, such as red lentil, chickpea, vegetable (made with real vegetables) and you can even AMP up the cheese by adding puréed carrots or sweet potato or squash or vegan cheese (made with pea protein). You could even ask, “do you want red pasta or green pasta?” and make it sound “special”! Sometimes, we take our daughter to the store and allow her to select a few fruits and vegetables for the week. She loves being a part of the process. And, if she’s invited to wash or prepare any of these items at home, it increases her excitement AND her likelihood of consumption! LEVEL ACHIEVED.
DISENGAGE IN POWER STRUGGLES BY BEING CONSISTENT!
When she was younger and she refused to eat dinner and would site being hungry later, she could finish her unfinished dinner or have packaged, pre-made PBJ cracker sandwiches (you know the ones...), while not “the best” option or a ”shining” moment on nutrition, they contained fat, protein, and fiber. After a few times, she knew her options. It got old quickly and she resumed eating dinner at dinner time, no power struggle. LEVEL ACHIEVED
CLARIFYING EXPECTATIONS
Thursday’s are LONG days for everyone around here. You see, Thursday’s are soccer days and my daughter is EXHAUSTED afterwards, so we’ve deemed them special. We’ve modified our Thursday schedule by using the bathroom at school and eating dinner before coming home (ahead of any child falling asleep in the car). Immediately upon arriving home, using the bathroom again, putting pajamas on, and brushing teeth before watching ONE television show. This routine ensures that if my daughter falls asleep, she is better situated to go straight to bed. LEVEL ACHIEVED
It was the 3rd soccer class and I was so proud of myself, I coordinated all the happenings of my day and ensured that I had dinner in tow for my 3 y/o and a bottle for the baby. I excitedly picked my daughter up from her soccer class and told her what I brought for dinner, pizza slices (which she loves)! She was immediately HYSTERICAL. I stopped in my tracks, got down to her level and calmly said, “Take a deep breath...what’s the problem?.” She responded, “I thought we were having turkey sandwiches for dinner.” (Side note, the week prior, in this same situation, I picked her up from soccer and we did have turkey sandwiches for dinner). So, in her mind, the routine, (ahem, expectation) was that we would have sandwiches for dinner EVERY Thursday. While I do like turkey sandwiches, I didn’t envision committing myself to them every Thursday for 10 weeks. So, I told her, “I’m sorry that I picked up pizza for dinner and didn’t ask you this morning if you wanted pizza. On Thursday mornings, when we are on our way to school, let’s discuss our dinner ideas, so that when I pick you up, I can plan to bring dinner along!” Did I get what I wanted, partially. Did she get what she wanted? Yes, as far as she could tell. Did I GIVE IN!? Partially. BUT, did it really matter? Not in the greater scheme of things because I defined the parameters. LEVEL ACHIEVED
REFLECTION
The upsides:
She asked nicely, after I clarified the situation
Power struggle and crisis averted
She ate dinner
And I could reheat the pizza another night (even though that was not the plan)
Lines of communication opened
The downsides:
I had to pick up a turkey sandwich
By showing empathy for her expectations and being flexible, I avoided the road not taken.
I insist upon pizza
She remains hysterical
She refuses to eat dinner
We go home without eating our dinner
The evening quickly wavers on
She falls asleep in the car without dinner
We arrive home, she wakes and the hysterical fit continues (I feed baby)
At home, she refuses to cooperate on anything. Too hungry. Too tired.
Continued refusal to eat dinner AND Power struggle over the bedtime routine
Makes for a LONNGGG night...and BTW, have you eaten dinner??
BOTTOM LINE: Time is too precious to have ALLLL this aggravation over a turkey sandwich.
TRUTH IN SUMMARY
The POWER becomes THE CHOICES we provide and the refusal to cooperate should decline. Parents get power by providing appropriate choices. Kids get power by selecting one of the choices provided. It’s a Hero WIN-WIN.
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