Tough Crowd
Know Your “Audience”
What if it’s NOT the kids, then is it the adults!?
3 Common challenges when visiting family or family visits:
Inflexible mindset
Others are not familiar with your kiddos schedule or needs
“Competition” for time
The Wild Truths
1. Inflexible mindset: sometimes expectations may be unreasonable based upon your kiddos age, needs, abilities, or development.
How to curb it? Share your expectations.
For example: “I know that dinner is usually at 7 p.m., but my kiddos usually eat at 6 p.m. I can help prepare some appetizers for everyone they we can start to enjoy around 6 p.m.”
“My kiddos usually only sit for dinner for about 30-minutes, so, when the main course is on the table, I’ll be sure they come to join the family.”
2. Other people are unaware of your kiddos schedule or needs: It is possible that the other adults may be thinking about their own needs, rather than the kiddos because they are not used to the kiddos schedule.
How to curb it? Share potential options that you deem appropriate.
For example: “By 8 p.m. the kiddos are usually pretty exhausted. They might not be awake for dessert time with the family and that’s ok. Instead, they could have some fruit tonight and a special dessert with lunch tomorrow.”
“The kiddos usually nap around 1 p.m., so we’ll need to take a separate car to our outing today. We can stay until about 12:30 p.m., then we’ll head out on our own.”
3. “Competition” for time: When people get together after being away for a while it can sometimes create an uneasy situation where family or friends make demands on your time that make you feel like there’s an unwritten competition for “equal” time.
How to curb it? Offer solutions by using statements. Offer two choices that work for you and your family’s needs.
For example: “Tonight, we will be meeting our friends with kids, but tomorrow we would love to see you for brunch around 11 a.m. or dinner around 6 p.m. Which do you prefer?”
“We would love to meet up for the kids to play tomorrow. We can plan to meet somewhere around 9:30/10 a.m. or around 3:30/4 p.m. Which works best for you?”
The Key Takeaways
Don’t be judgmental. Don’t cop an attitude. Don’t get ruffled. Don’t even raise your voice. Share the facts, give the details, offer the choices. And, let it ride!
Oh, These Kids!
Your child is the same child today they were yesterday, 2 weeks ago, and even 2 months ago. If you’re finding challenges popping up, what’s the cause? A new routine? Some developmental hiccups? A change in expectations? Traveling? Any one of these can have an effect on a child’s progress, stability, emotional state/response, sleep habits, eating habits, etc. Instead of worrying, let’s FOCUS on how we pre-empt and respond to these kiddos; as YOU have the power to make a difference. If we focus on the things that are the same and work to create more meaningful connections with our kiddos, it will help to smooth out these “rough” patches.
**Consider: Fun experiences without the usual stress!
Think music and movement games, crafts and cooking projects, and social-emotional development activities, too! These activities are perfect for parents, caregivers, grandparents, older siblings, au-pairs, etc.! Purchase the Home Day Kids Membership for yourself or gift to someone else!
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Forge Forward
We know that when it comes to kiddos, in order for them to be well-settled into any
environment, they need to feel connected to the space, some of its contents and the people in the space, family members, friends, students and or teachers.
When I was teaching and students exhibited these types of challenges, I would focus on the things the child loved in general and connect them to the activities, toys, and experiences in the classroom. And, even in my own home with my own tough crowd, we find success through a variety of consistent approaches. Each adult in the child’s life/home would be responsible for selecting activities from the list of the child’s interests and work to create connections with the child and the activities, toys, and experiences within the space. We would usually use language like, “name of child, I know you love animals, let me show you an animal toy…or, I heard you counting, come check out this cool counting game with trucks,” etc. by creating this “net” of support, the child develops the connections needed to feel settled.
Making Connections
When it comes to misbehaviors and power struggles, a child will respond better to correction(s), if they feel connected to the helping adult(s), so the more positive reinforcement/broadcasting of appropriate behaviors and actions; the higher the likelihood that corrections feel like less of a sting. Here is some specific language that we use at home to help support consistency between home and school. It might also not be possible to have consistency between home and school, but you might be able to find some consistencies between some (even if not all) of the adults present.
Take Action Today!
Create a list of topics and activities the child loves. You may even consider creating the list with the kiddo(s)!
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Some of Our FAVORITE Things (in no particular order)
Exploring magnets
Animals - identifying, matching, and sorting creatures
Sorting pictures or objects of plants/animals, fruits/vegetables, etc.
Puzzles
Building with tiles or blocks
Counting (everything and anything)
Singing and dancing
Looking at books and or child-appropriate magazines together
Painting
Kinetic sand or play dough with cookie cutters and other tools
Sports games
Going on walks/scooting /riding bicycles, tricycles
Phrases to Consider
Language we use to address misbehavior:
“It’s time to keep your hands to yourself”
“We use our listening ears and quiet our voice(s)”
“You can choose to be kind or choose to be quiet” or “You can choose to calm your body or play here on your own”
“Only balls are for throwing, we can throw balls outside”
Language we use for calming:
“Take a deep breath and count to 4. 1, 2, 3, 4.”
“It seems like you are mad, are you mad? You can rest your body in the library until you feel ready to be calm/gentle/listen”
“What help do you need?” Or “How can I help?”
Language we use to encourage choice:
“It’s almost time to cleanup, would you like to play for 1 or 2 more minutes?”
“I can see that you are not finished with this activity (name it), would you like to save it or clean it up?”
“Which toy/part of your work will you put away first, this (name it) or this (name it)?”
Language to encourages cooperation:
“It’s time to go, I’m going to give you 5 seconds to get to the door on your own, 5, 4, etc…”
“I see that you’re ready to go, we keep our bodies to ourselves at the door or I will need to hold your hand. What do you choose?”
“It’s time to choose a toy, will you start with this (name it) or that (name it). Great choice, that’s perfect for right now.”
Consider Supporting These 8 Tools:
Choices
Problem solving
Empowerment
Social scripting
Positive reinforcement
Meaningful connections
Opportunities to lead
Natural and logical consequences
These components provided predictable scenarios that could be navigated. Other environments that did nothing to provide these senses of support, result in less desirable results and even can create setbacks that are deficit-focused vs. progress-centered.
Check out these articles for more information:
Want support working with your tough crowd? Let’s figure things out together!
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